I am constantly amazed at the letters to advice columnists in the newspaper that go something like this. “I need your advice. I have been with “Mr. Wonderful” for several years. During that time he has yelled at me, beaten me, expected me to support him and his drugs and/or booze, stayed out all night, slept with my best friends, stolen money from my purse, wrecked my car, killed my cat, won’t do anything to keep the place clean, or told me that he is the only one who will want me. And besides that he leaves the lid up all of the time. I really love him. I think once we’re married I can change him. What should I do? Should I marry him? Did I tell you I really love him? Well, I do.” Signed – “Ms. Desperately in Love”. This is a compilation of many letters to advice columnists.
My heart aches for “Ms. Desperately in Love”. She seems oblivious to the idea that she does not have to suffer the abuse that is being heaped upon her. She may have confused his lust for control for love. She is convinced that she doesn’t deserve better. “Ms. Desperately in Love” is willing to put up with the negativity that is heaped upon her by her “beloved.” She believes she has found that special someone, “Mr. Wonderful”, who will stay with her forever. What if he does have a few flaws, she believes she can change him, over time. The one thing that “Ms. Desperately in Love” needs to realize the last time he was changed was prior to his being potty trained. After that any change of behavior is strictly up to him, and not very likely.
“Ms. Desperately in Love” needs to understand that she will not be able to change “Mr. Wonderful”. Only he can or will make the change. “Mr. Wonderful” has developed a method of behavior that he believes has brought him success in life. He hasn’t had to seriously look at himself and how his behavior has an impact on others. There is a good chance that he feels as poorly about himself as “Ms. Desperately in Love” feels about herself. “Mr. Wonderful” covers up his deep-seated feelings of inferiority by acting superior at the expense of everyone else. Others can only affect a temporary change in “Mr. Wonderful”. Lasting change can only come from within. “Mr. Wonderful” will have to learn to love, and respect himself if he is ever going to regard others in the same manner.
“Ms. Desperately in Love” needs to realize that the relationship is what it is, and the outcomes are not totally her responsibility. The “blame” she bears is the one of believing that she can effect lasting change in someone who will continually abuse her. “Ms. Desperately in Love” can best help herself by changing her view of the world and her place in it. She cannot escape her feelings of inadequacy by “escaping” into marriage or parenthood.
Here is a situation where an ounce of prevention is worth a ton of cure. It is also a situation wherein the culture/society shoulders some of the responsibility. Prevention begins at an early age. Children need to be taught to value themselves more. The best way for this to occur is for parents to value them. Parenting requires attention to the needs of the child, not just the material needs, but the well being needs as well. The needs to be recognized as a separate human being who is endeavoring to find a place in the world--a person who has worth.
We, the culture/society, play a big part in this when we promote the fair and equitable treatment of ALL. We can do this by recognizing the worth of all people regardless of their race, color, creed, national origin, gender, or “handicap/disability” differences. To be different is not to be better or worse. It is just to be different.
What can “Ms. Desperately in Love” do to protect herself? She must recognize her own self-worth. Her family and closest friends have to step in and provide her with the moral, physical and legal support at the very first sign of abuse.
Unfortunately there are too many examples of “Mr. Wonderful” taking matters into his own hands and killing or seriously harming the woman with whom he is so "desperately in love". It is his last resort. It is a flawed conclusion.
Jack’s Nugget: Preventing abuse starts with loving yourself.
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4 comments:
Unfortunately, the children that are born into this situation don't know that what they see is not good, and they end up repeating the past. When a parent can get themselves and the kids away from it, then start teaching themselves and the kids that abuse in any form is not the way to live can it stop for each individual. More often than not the friends and family of the person being abused don't evn know that it is happening until it's too late.
You have done a fantastic job in reclaiming your life. I only wish I could have done more for you.
You do live fully, and I am so proud of you.
You really have a clear understanding of the situations women face and the reasons they put themselves there in the first place. Your clarity of explanation should be made available to all young women, before they endeavour to chose the "Mr Wonderful" in their lives.
It is sometimes such an ingrained place in families that repeat and repeat the scenario. So many of our friends over the years have been there. It always so confusing and overwhelming for those who see what is happening and try to explain that there is a choice to be made.
Thank you Jack for bringing this important issue into the light. We need to give our baby daughters self esteem and our baby sons strength and belief in themselves.
You are indeed serving well.
That poor Ms. Desperately In Love! She is dating my ex boyfriend.
Women who live to serve or who grew up serving others will stay with Mr. Wonderful because he needs her and she needs to be needed, even if she gets nothing but misery in return.
Hopefully Ms. Desperately In Love will find someone who needs her because he enjoys her company as I have.
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