Chapter Eight: “Don’t Mix Sparks And Gasoline”

It doesn’t take a lot of intelligent thought to realize that it is a bad idea to see how much gasoline is in a container by holding a lit match to the opening. The results can be quite explosive. (The poor pun was intended.) There are times when we interact with others and the results can be just as explosive and damaging.

You may already have used this advice yourself. Do you recall a time when you thought it would be nice to have two of your friends get to know each other? Do you recall why you didn’t? It was probably because you knew them to be sparks and gasoline should they get together. Their individual friendships were more important than having them meet each other. Preventing the explosive occurrence is easier than trying to “douse the flames.”

Knowing that there are some folks who will not get along, it is advisable to keep them apart. To bring them together would be disastrous. When we are in situations where it is part of our job (e.g., sales, teaching, etc.) to bring people together it is a good idea to keep this in mind. When it is impossible to keep them apart we will have to figure out some way to prevent the inevitable “explosion.” An easy way out is to decline to be of service. That may not be the best course of action when our livelihood depends on it. In business, with friends and sometimes in families, we cannot avoid such situations. It is inevitable and necessary in some situations that we must continue. We may have to resort to “shuttle negotiations.” That is, we will carry messages from one to the other until there is a meeting of the minds.

Most of us realize that it is unwise to be a participant in such situations. It is possible to prevent or minimize such explosive occurrences. Each of us must be vigilant about our own feelings and become aware of when we are headed toward being the sparks to someone else’s gasoline. It is easier to prevent and almost impossible to stop once the emotions get turned on.

In every facet of our lives we can make a difference to the quality of those times by controlling our own emotional responses. It requires that we realize how we are feeling at the time. We should also become aware of how others are feeling. Do we get angry and frustrated because the other person doesn’t agree with us immediately? Do they insist upon clinging to their idiotic ideas? Do these questions tell us more about ourselves then the other person? If we are honest about it we will admit that their “faulty” thinking is more about us than about them.

We may experience a host of feelings that have little to do with the merits of the discussion, but more about how we feel -- rejected or discounted. If we are feeling these emotions, then the other person is probably feeling the same. As we become aware of our feelings and how the other person may be feeling, we can short-circuit the angry outcome. We can change our point of view physically and/or psychologically. When we stand side by side we are facing a common challenge.

It may become necessary to just walk away from the interaction. It can make all the difference. A cooling off period gives all parties to the interaction the opportunity to review their interests and how they might conflict with the other person. We might even be inclined to amend our view. We may have to agree to disagree. Do so agreeably.

Another option we have is to discuss with the other person how we are feeling when we are in their presence. They may not realize how their actions affect others. Bring the feelings into the open. Both parties can grow in a positive direction.

I have given my students “permission” to let me know publicly or privately whenever I have done or said something that has caused them discomfort. With such discussions we will learn more about each other. I cannot change what I do not know is bothersome to others, nor can they. There is no guarantee that either of us will change our behavior, but my guess is that we both will.

Jack’s Nugget: If you want to know how much gas is in the can, use a flashlight.

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