Chapter Nine: The Mystery of Packing A Trunk

In the first few years of our marriage, my wife and I were packing the car for a vacation. Both of us are college educated, reasonably intelligent individuals, and understand that there is more than one way to pack the trunk.

We were both bringing items from the house. At one point I began to put items in the trunk. My wife would then question the placement of the items. I began to feel that I was being challenged in ways I didn’t like. I adopted my favorite defensive response of passive aggressiveness. I stated that if she could do it better she was welcome to do the job herself. (She remembers it slightly differently. She is the one who “lets” me do the packing. On her part it is not passive aggressive behavior.) I admit that I was feeling quite angry that my skills should be attacked in such a way.

As I thought about the situation more, I realized that we had a control issue that needed resolving. I realized that my response was inappropriate. From that time to this whenever we begin to have a difference of opinion about some task, either one of us may say to the other, “Are we packing a trunk?” With that question we short circuit any negative feelings or arguments that may be building. We substitute a positive and humorous attitude for the negative feelings and proceed to get done whatever we planned. It is an opportunity for each of us to let the other know that they can gladly take the leadership role. Each of us supports the other. It certainly has helped reduce the number of senseless arguments, sulking, pouting or other negative behaviors that get in the way of a great relationship.

The participants in all relationships will eventually face the issue of control. Who is in charge? How do we decide? Why must the other person challenge me?

Who is in charge? That is a natural question whenever two or more people are about to embark on an activity. In most instances someone suggests a course of action and away they go. If the activity is relatively minor there is usually no conflict. However, there are times when it is important to have someone in charge. We usually agree that the person with the most experience and knowledge of the activity should take the lead. Most times this is a reasonable plan. There are times when a less experienced person may have an insight that will make the project proceed much more efficiently and effectively. There must be some agreement on how to adapt to this situation. It must be agreed upon ahead of time.

How do we decide? One of the best ways to reach decisions on who will be in charge is through consensus. In my experience, the person with the most energy about the project will usually have the energy necessary to lead the group to a successful conclusion. Reminding the group about the goal will aid in goal achievement.

Why must the other person challenge me? They may have more knowledge about the project. They may have their own personal issues. This question requires personal soul searching. Whenever we ask this question we may feel inadequate, and we don’t want to admit it. It is easier to attack the other person than face our own “demons.” We must take that step to look at ourselves and discover why we feel inadequate. If it is a matter of training, then get more training.

On the other hand, if it is a matter of self worth, that may be more difficult to set right. The first step to changing is to recognize we have the difficulty. It may require the assistance of a person trained in guiding others through such personal exploration. It is imperative for the relationship to take the steps to broaden our view of the world and our place in it. We can change how we choose to interact with others.

We can follow the concept from neuro-linguistic programming -- whenever we are not satisfied with what is happening to us we need to do something different until we do like what is happening to us. Remember, you earn the way others treat you. Whether it is positive or negative, how we are treated is a direct result of how we present ourselves to others.

Jack’s Nugget: For any given space in time there are an infinite number of ways to stuff things into it. Be flexible.

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