Being a hero to your children can be the most important and rewarding thing you can do. It doesn’t mean you have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. All you have to do is love them, respect them, and treat them with dignity. Let them know that you value them. If you can mix some humor with this approach it will be an added bonus.
What would you do if your oldest child, a junior in high school, told you she wanted to attend the University of Hawaii and you lived in Kansas? Or your young son asked you to buy him a hamster? Your immediate response might likely be a resounding NO, particularly if you find hamsters repulsive. I would like to suggest you consider saying yes, but expressing whatever reservations you will have.
In the first case you might suggest that she consider that you only have so much money earmarked for her college education. Then have her contact the high school guidance counselor to gather information about likely courses, living arrangements, and the funds required. Make her responsible for making the plan. Listen attentively to her plan. Ask pertinent questions about the things you think of that she has not. Do not make judgments about the plan. If it is possible to execute the plan then do so, if not, then clearly express the reasons. You have another opportunity for meaningful conversation and dialogue. Most of the reasons will become apparent during the discussion. The reasons you give should have more substance than, “Because I’m your parent and I’m bigger than you.” Or, “It’s my money.” Or, “I need you closer to home so I can keep an eye on you.”
In the second instance discuss with him the ground rules--he will be responsible to fund the project from his allowance, take care of the animal, house the animal in his room. You can even make it a part of the bargain that if the hamster does get out of his room the hamster is history. Then lead the youngster through the problem solving process. Help him define the problem, determine those factors that will have a bearing on the problem, develop options to resolve the problem, and establish a way to evaluate the solution. In this case help him determine the costs of owning a hamster. Compare that to the amount of income he has from an allowance. When he has had an opportunity to determine the cost and expense he will discover that he might just have to put off the plan until he can afford it.
One of the most important aspects of this process is listening. That means you must hear what the child is saying and how the child is saying it. In some instances the child might want you to say no because the peer pressure is very strong. It is OK to let the child know that if he/she needs a “bad guy” to keep him/her from doing something “wrong”, you are prepared to do that. You do not have to agree with the chosen course of action of the child, and if it is absolutely life threatening or will cause extensive property damage you have every right to say NO. You still have a responsibility to keep your children safe. However, when the child selects a course of action which has some negative consequences let that be a learning experience. And, you should never say, “I told you so.” Remember how your character was built. You faced some adversity and came out of it stronger than when you went into it. Children need the opportunity to learn from their mistakes, too.
There are several benefits to this approach. You teach your child problem solving, demonstrate how to listen, show that you value your child, and open the door to future conversations. You may even find that in the future the child will probably tell you things that you might not want to hear, but should. Remember that during the process you must remain nonjudgmental.
In the two situations above the young lady earned a Fine Arts degree from the University of Kansas. The young man discovered that he could not afford the hamster. The family eventually settled on a pet bird.
Society gains when we are heroes to our children. They become heroes their own children.
Jack’s nugget: Love your children enough to let then learn from their choices and mistakes.
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4 comments:
My parents often said no right away but then after some coaxing they let me do these kinds of things after we talked about it because they realized I was serious. Eg. getting a paper route or signing up for columbia house.
In the end the paper route was a good idea but columbia house wasn't as great as I thought it was going to be but it caused no harm, only a lesson.
When you listen well, your child might surprise you in how much they have already though out their plan of action. I have initially thought "NO" to something that one of them wanted to do or just wanted. I stopped before I said anything, listened to what they had to say and told them what my reervations were. I then asked them several things that they hadn't thought of, and more often than not I let them do what they had asked. They can surprise you with how well they have planned and thought through what they want to do.
Live Fully....
Very interesting post! I don't have children yet, nor am I anywhere near that point, but I think your wisdom will stick with me, as it seems to make a lot of sense!
Thank you for reading my blog, and even more than that thank you for the service you have done for our country!
I do have two sons 17 and 25, still living with us. Most people find this weired and they think it's even stranger, when I tell them, that a year ago their friend also moved in with us, even though he's already 26!
But the bottom line is: we are having fun together and we are all working towards commen goals, that all of us want to reach, so the relationship is benificial for each and everyone of us.
I don't know if I am a hero for my kids, but they do respect me, what I do and what I stand for, there is no doubt about that.
I have always insisted on very strict ethics and we do all follow our own personal code of honor.
I would say, that is the key to success in our family; we stick together, keep our hands clean and no acts of treason are committed.
And it's so ironic: once a person truely understands what ethical conduct is, why it makes sense and why preserving both your integrity and your honour is in many ways more important than your immeadiate survival, then you don't have to teach the person anything else, you don't have to tell the person off, you don't have to ask the person to stay away from this and that... you can fully trust him/her to make the right decision/choices every time, in any case.
This saved us a lot of trouble and heartbreak, which I can see so many other families do unfortunately go through!
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