Chapter Six: We Are All Responsible For The Outcome

“Well, that didn’t turn out quite like I expected.” “Why did they have to act that way?” Are these familiar phrases to you? If I haven’t uttered them, I’ve thought them. All of us want to live in a “perfect” world. At some time we realize that we cannot put the world around us into the order that we prefer. We want to be able to count on people responding to us in pleasing, agreeable ways. We prefer to have little or no conflict in our lives. If we believe that this can become a way of life, we have entered the wishful thinking zone.

Everyday we find ourselves in a variety of interactions at work, play, or school. They all involve interpersonal relationships. We usually don’t take the time to realize that we respond differently to different people. There are times when the outcome is favorable. There are times when it is not. Most of the time we just interact and take what comes from the interaction. When we are not pleased with the outcome it is easier to blame the other person than to take a closer look at how we contributed to the outcome.

Whenever two or more people are engaged in an interaction (e.g., exchanging comments on the weather, deciding whether to marry, robbing a bank, planning a city park, or deciding on what to eat for lunch, etc.) they all share the responsibility for its outcome. It is the result of sharing personal power. Most of us never question this. If the outcome is favorable to us, we rejoice that everything is AOK. If it is not, we lament our poor lot in life and blame the others for being so shortsighted. We are usually too wrapped up in the “content” of the situation to consider its “process”. However, it is the very process that is at the root of most relationship problems.

It is so easy to slip into the “blaming others” mode. When we do we are automatically giving them power over us. We have relinquished our personal power to the other. However, when the gun is at your head, you do what you are told. The heroics can come later after the justifiable hysteria and panic.

In most situations, we would all be better served if we took time to analyze our own feelings and behaviors. Do we look forward to being in the company of the other, or are we nauseated at the mere suggestion that we will have to interact with that person? The latter is a sure sign that we have given up our personal power. At no time should we accept abuse from, nor give abuse to anyone. There are numerous examples of people abusing others. Perhaps that is why some reality TV shows are so popular. The best way to avoid abuse is to treat others with dignity. To that end, we must first treat ourselves with dignity. It is when we truly respect and love ourselves, that we can treat others in the same manner.

So, what do we make of all of this? We cannot change others. We can only change ourselves. That can be very frustrating, because then we might have to make some serious changes. Such change can be painfully difficult. Most of our behaviors have been necessary for our survival at some time. They have become habits. Habits are difficult, but not impossible, to break.

We must examine our lives to determine how we got to this place in time and space. Introspection is helpful. It is the method to discover those behaviors that no longer provide the protection they once did. We create our own dilemmas by behaving in established ways that have become outdated. The good news is we can change them whenever we wish.

We begin the change by examining our lives, determining what is not working for us and develop new mechanisms for interacting. It is important to realize that there may be occasions when we can use the assistance of a trained professional. An appropriate guide can be invaluable. Take comfort in this concept, when you need one, the guide will appear.

Jack’s Nugget: I am responsible for my thoughts, feelings and behaviors. I must act accordingly.

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