Chapter Two: Separate Realities

Have you ever witnessed an event with another person and at a later time discussed it? During that discussion did you get the feeling that you might have witnessed something entirely different than that other person? If so, you have been in the “separate realities zone.” Each of us has our own reasons for remembering things. Different things have different meanings for each of us. As we mature we learn that certain things are more important than others. It is probably a survival mechanism. Placing different values on different aspects of an event has helped us to survive. Consequently, it is no surprise to realize that we will have different recollections of the same event.

We need to take care when we discuss the recalled event. Otherwise we can have some heated arguments about what we witnessed. This is particularly true when we are with someone we love. Sometimes we just have to be “right.” We are subliminally convinced that if we are not “right” we are diminished as a person. It is as though our very existence is wrapped up in that one moment. In a way it is. Our “reality” will be changed as a result of the outcome of the discussion/argument.

Each of us has our own system of beliefs that help define us. Others may not share our beliefs. The beliefs are ours and they let others know who we are, even if the beliefs are not accurate.

When the difference of opinion about the event occurs, we are more prone to “defend” our position. We tend to see it as disapproval of ourselves. Whenever we personalize the comments of others it is almost impossible to change our minds. We are just too busy protecting ourselves.

Two dynamics appear to be operating at this time. One is the need to win at all costs, and the other is the inability to listen to the other person. Doing either one will usually cost us the relationship. Doing both will only hasten the relationship’s demise. This is particularly so when the other person is exhibiting the same behaviors and attitudes. Both are operating from their separate realities.

It is possible to overcome the anger and agitation when this occurs. The first step is to realize we are in the “separate realities zone.” The next step is to decide if winning argument is more important than the keeping the relationship. To short circuit the argument, just declare that your are in the “separate realities zone.” This will give both parties an opportunity to save face and think about the issue. Whenever this occurs with my wife and me, I think about it, and a few days later I let my wife know that her view was more accurate then mine. On occasion she will come to me. Her “batting average” is much better than mine.

If we want to reduce the times we visit the “separate realities zone”, we need to expand our response patterns. We need to change. Since we know of the two primary dynamics that are at work we need to focus on them. Winning is important in sporting events, but disastrous in relationships.

The skill of listening to others is just that, a skill. As such it can be developed and improved. It requires that we pay attention to what the other person is saying PRIOR to preparing our response. We need to hear the words of the other and assess the feelings that may be behind the words. One way to determine how accurate we are is to check with the speaker to discover how close our understanding is to what they believe they said.

It is quite easy to suggest these skills. It is quite another thing to practice them. Yet that is precisely what we need to do – practice them. It is advisable to practice with those we love. It may be more difficult due to our closeness to them. They may find it a little unsettling as we begin to behave in a different manner. It is in our best interest to discover why we cling to our view of the world. Only then will we be able to change it.

When we make the change and begin to communicate more clearly, we will find our visits to the “separate realities zone” more enjoyable.

Jack’s Nugget: Be willing to do frequent reality zone checks. You never know in whose you will be.



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