Chapter Three: Discover and Share The Love In Your Heart

I’m continually amazed at the things people are able to say and do when they interact with others. There are times when I believe I have stepped over the line with some of my comments to others. The comments sounded a bit caustic or sarcastic to me. However, the response of the other party seems one of acceptance and in some rare cases appreciation. My awareness makes me more vigilant about how I communicate with others.

It is not my intent to cause others discomfort, although I do recognize that growth can come from such discomfort. The more I think of this idea, the more I want to focus on what it is that allows me to “get away with” my comments. My query has brought me to this premise—“Share the love in your heart.”

“Share the love in your heart?” Now that is a charming concept. It rolls off the tongue so easily. However, it is easier to say than to do. We must first discover the love in our heart. It is that feeling of joy, excitement, affection and wellbeing that we perceive when the world is beautiful. That feeling that energizes us and brings with it serenity and peace. Which comes first, the joy or the beautiful world? That answer is easy, the beautiful world is all around us, even in the midst of horrendous evil. Our task is to discover that part of us that perceives the beauty and awakens the joy. The beautiful world is always there. We just have to be open to it and welcome it.

Welcoming the beautiful world begins by recognizing the feelings that come to us when least expected. Those feelings we have about the smallest things. Remember how you felt the first time it rained after a long dry spell? Heard the words to a beautiful song? Saw the beauty of the first snowfall? Felt the joy of successfully completing a difficult task? Saw a beloved person? Observed a curious child accomplish something for the first time? Noticed a beautiful sunrise/sunset? There are several feelings that may come to you--feelings of satisfaction, elation, energy, and even serenity. All of those feelings give you a sense of wellbeing. As you become aware of this state of wellbeing, you want to remain there. You want others to have the same feeling. You want to share those feelings with others. That wanting to share is a natural byproduct of the feeling. The marvelous thing about identifying these feelings is that we can experience them whenever we want. We are in complete control of the feelings. It only requires our willingness to be calm, sense them, and let them permeate our total being.

There are times when we must tell people things that they might not want to hear. We must do it in such a way that they are willing to accept it in the manner in which it was intended, i.e., we care enough about them to let them know how their behavior is affecting us. Those who are in pain from anger, fear, sadness, disappointment, or some other emotion, need someone who will listen. Sometimes that is all they want, a listener. No talk. No suggestions. No recommendations, just a willing ear.

The listening must be non-judgmental. It must be done with an attitude that says, “There is nothing you can say that will cause me to be repelled from you as a person of dignity and worth.” We may justifiably abhor the behavior of the other, but we should at least listen to their story. After listening we can then make suggestions as to a likely course of action. However, my guess is, they would rather not have the suggestions. When they do ask for suggestions, remember, they are just suggestions. The receiver is going to do whatever he or she pleases, regardless of the consequences. Teenagers seem to be quite adept at this.

Sharing the love in our hearts will make our lives more worthwhile. We will be more fulfilled as a person. Others will seek us out to spend time in our company. They will value us because we have shown we value them. We have cared enough to share our love of the beauty of the world with them. That is a powerful role model.

Jack’s Nugget: What you give is what you get. Share the love in your heart.

Take me back to the Directions page:

Chapter Four: In Everything There is a Blessing

When times are difficult, and you think that the world is against you, that is the time you are least looking for someone to tell you everything will be OK. Yet it is those very times you need something to hold on to. Something to help you through the unbearable times.

It is natural and healthy to take time to mourn, grieve, or lament about your situation. It is yours and you are having difficulty getting through it. It is appropriate to give yourself permission to have these feelings. At some point you will want to make some sense of the situation in which you find yourself. It is natural to feel guilt, to want to lay blame somewhere, to seek retribution, even to flee. These very thoughts are a part of the “getting through it” process.

You begin by questioning yourself about what you could have done to prevent it. You might ask, “Why me?” You are asking yourself what was your responsibility in causing it to happen, an answer you might not prefer to hear.

However, it is this very process of “getting through it” that is part of the blessing. You are learning a lesson. You are testing yourself. If you don’t learn the lesson at this time it will come back. The lesson may not be that easy to discover.

To hear the words, “You have Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma” can be devastating to the patient and the family. At first, all you know is that it is cancer. You learn that it is treatable. There is no known cure at this time. You are given some treatment options. You learn of the side effects of the treatments. You select what seems to be the appropriate course of action, and then you begin the “getting through it” process.

When these words were spoken to my wife, it was distressing and demoralizing for us both. I can only guess how it has affected her. I do know that her positive attitude has strengthened through years of treatment, recurrence and remission. It was when we began this journey on our trip through life together that I began to look for the blessing in the situation. It occurred to me that our relationship was changing in a positive way. It is amazing what you will do to serve the one you love. I would never have knowingly selected this method for getting closer, but that was our viable option.

There are events occurring throughout the world that are horrendous. We should all look at them to discover what the blessing might be. We need to look at our place in the world and determine how our actions are perceived by others. Are our actions self-serving or do we act in ways that serve. People who perceive themselves to be held down by others will only take it for so long. A strong, self-serving leader will come along and “lead them to a better place”.

Whether the disaster comes from man or nature, it is still a disaster. Natural disasters require a plan to minimize the damage and bring about a speedy recovery. As for the man-made disasters, that is a different story. One of the first questions we might consider is, “Who is benefiting from this?” The publicly pronounced reasons may sound good, but are they the true reasons? But, we are looking for the blessings in these situations.

During a natural disaster, one blessing is the reality that friends, neighbors, relatives and strangers will come together to put things right again. I believe I have seen instances during man-made disasters where similar actions of friends, neighbors, relatives and strangers have also occurred.

As we attend to these disasters, we need to determine what blessing is likely to come from all of this. How can pain and death bring blessings? Perhaps the most important blessing is to determine how we can change our views of the world to be more serving, caring and sharing of our love. I now look for the blessings in everything that happens to me.

Jack’s Nugget: Serving others, caring about them and sharing the love in your heart is the greatest blessing you can bestow on others. I commend it to you.

Take me back to the Directions page:

Chapter Five: To Serve With Integrity And To Care

In a previous posting I discussed the value of discovering and sharing the love in your heart. It still makes sense to me to operate from that perspective. Now is the time to add another dimension to that thought, a dimension that will improve your place in the world. It will lead you to a more successful and satisfying life. Learn to serve with integrity and to care about others.

My current vocation is helping folks who want to become real estate agents. They come to this stage in their lives for a variety of reasons. The reasons span the spectrum from wanting to be rich to liking people and houses. Some want to be their own boss, others like to look at others’ houses. However, very few have thought in terms of serving others.

I first came across this approach to life a number of years ago while undergoing my second degree Reiki attunement. While mentioning to the Reiki Master that I was helping my wife through some difficult health issues, she asked me to consider changing the verb form I was using. She suggested that I consider serving as opposed to helping. Helping suggests that they are “helpless.” It defined the relationship in a manner that didn’t seem healthy to me. That was the exact moment and message I needed to hear. It resonated well with me. Since that time I have tried to lead my life serving others. I have also expanded the concept by adding the words with integrity.

As you might guess, it is easier to say than it is to do. I remain convinced that serving with integrity is the best way to move through this life. It is a constant struggle to remember that serving is the preferred way to interact with others. It has been helpful in my private life as well as my teaching life.

The next part of this view of the world is to also care about others. When we are truly concerned about their welfare we will tend to do those things that will enhance their well-being. We will take the time to be genuinely concerned about what is happening in their lives.

You may have some way of describing what success means to you. It can run the gamut of ideas from untold riches to personal happiness. In real estate sales it can mean a certain number of transaction closings to a certain dollar amount of annual production. Regardless of your definition of success, you are much more likely to achieve it when you decide to serve with integrity and care about those you serve. Think about it. Think of how changing your method of meeting the world can be of value to you and to the world you meet.

In real estate statistics show that a preponderance of transactions (75%) come from referrals. If that is the case, then it makes a lot of sense to take the necessary steps to use that fact to help you in your business. Here is where serving and caring about those you serve comes in. Those licensees who are successful usually point to the number of referrals they get. They have usually learned to serve well.

The interesting thing about this type of service is that when the licensee maintains contact with past customers and clients, they never raise the issue of real estate. They wait for the customer/client to do that. The contact that is made is more concerned with the life of the customer/client than with real estate. Customers/clients know what the licensee does for a living. They do not have to be reminded.

These contacts are examples of serving and caring. Those licensees who follow this methodology are expanding their business. They are also improving their success as a serving, caring human being. They tend to operate from a positive perspective. They are learning first hand that what you give is what you get. Their success is commensurate with their serving and caring.

Jack’s Nugget: Serve well! You are invited to visit this web site to contribute to this concept. Serve with integrity

Take me back to the Directions page:

Chapter Six: We Are All Responsible For The Outcome

“Well, that didn’t turn out quite like I expected.” “Why did they have to act that way?” Are these familiar phrases to you? If I haven’t uttered them, I’ve thought them. All of us want to live in a “perfect” world. At some time we realize that we cannot put the world around us into the order that we prefer. We want to be able to count on people responding to us in pleasing, agreeable ways. We prefer to have little or no conflict in our lives. If we believe that this can become a way of life, we have entered the wishful thinking zone.

Everyday we find ourselves in a variety of interactions at work, play, or school. They all involve interpersonal relationships. We usually don’t take the time to realize that we respond differently to different people. There are times when the outcome is favorable. There are times when it is not. Most of the time we just interact and take what comes from the interaction. When we are not pleased with the outcome it is easier to blame the other person than to take a closer look at how we contributed to the outcome.

Whenever two or more people are engaged in an interaction (e.g., exchanging comments on the weather, deciding whether to marry, robbing a bank, planning a city park, or deciding on what to eat for lunch, etc.) they all share the responsibility for its outcome. It is the result of sharing personal power. Most of us never question this. If the outcome is favorable to us, we rejoice that everything is AOK. If it is not, we lament our poor lot in life and blame the others for being so shortsighted. We are usually too wrapped up in the “content” of the situation to consider its “process”. However, it is the very process that is at the root of most relationship problems.

It is so easy to slip into the “blaming others” mode. When we do we are automatically giving them power over us. We have relinquished our personal power to the other. However, when the gun is at your head, you do what you are told. The heroics can come later after the justifiable hysteria and panic.

In most situations, we would all be better served if we took time to analyze our own feelings and behaviors. Do we look forward to being in the company of the other, or are we nauseated at the mere suggestion that we will have to interact with that person? The latter is a sure sign that we have given up our personal power. At no time should we accept abuse from, nor give abuse to anyone. There are numerous examples of people abusing others. Perhaps that is why some reality TV shows are so popular. The best way to avoid abuse is to treat others with dignity. To that end, we must first treat ourselves with dignity. It is when we truly respect and love ourselves, that we can treat others in the same manner.

So, what do we make of all of this? We cannot change others. We can only change ourselves. That can be very frustrating, because then we might have to make some serious changes. Such change can be painfully difficult. Most of our behaviors have been necessary for our survival at some time. They have become habits. Habits are difficult, but not impossible, to break.

We must examine our lives to determine how we got to this place in time and space. Introspection is helpful. It is the method to discover those behaviors that no longer provide the protection they once did. We create our own dilemmas by behaving in established ways that have become outdated. The good news is we can change them whenever we wish.

We begin the change by examining our lives, determining what is not working for us and develop new mechanisms for interacting. It is important to realize that there may be occasions when we can use the assistance of a trained professional. An appropriate guide can be invaluable. Take comfort in this concept, when you need one, the guide will appear.

Jack’s Nugget: I am responsible for my thoughts, feelings and behaviors. I must act accordingly.

Take me back to the Directions page:

Chapter Seven: Kids Move, Make Noise, And Are Curious

It is easier to get along with younger children when you remember that their primary goal is to grow to adulthood. To do that they move, they make noise, and they are curious. Whenever you have the opportunity to observe young children you will notice most of them are doing all or a combination of these three activities. Even as they reach maturity they will continue these three activities. To help them achieve their goal help them channel these activities. Remember your childhood. Didn’t you move, make noise and get into all sorts of predicaments? As we grew and learned about the consequences of our actions we learned to control our actions.

As children grow and increase in size an interesting phenomenon occurs, energy is released. There is some rule/law in physics that supports this contention. Since that is true, then it is unreasonable to expect them to be still most of the time. At the same time they are exploring their environments. Their primary mission is to learn about that environment so they can survive. This is a noisy proposition most of the time.

In my work as a real estate licensee I have had the pleasure of helping families sell their homes. In most instances mom and dad have told the children that the family is going to move, and that is about all the children are told. This is usually true when the children are younger than nine. When I arrived to discuss the sale of the home the children were always curious about who I was and why I was there. As usual they exhibited those three traits of children--moving, making noise, and being curious. The parents would request/demand/order that they go somewhere else so they wouldn’t be a bother. Most parents do this, because they don’t want the children to be a bother, and they don’t want to miss anything. This is an important time for them.

I discovered that if I make the children part of the team they will soon tire of what I am doing and go off to seek other adventures. I inform the parents that the children are not a bother. I will need the children to help me. When I take room measurements I do it the old fashioned way with a tape measure. I then ask the children if they want to help. They are usually eager to do so. It is helpful to look the children in the eye when asking them to be a part of the team. I get down on one knee and carefully explain what we are going to do and how they can help. I ask them to take the end of the tape measure to the wall and hold it until I tell them to drop it. If there is more than one child I assign each of them a turn. This keeps them from fighting about it. I also show them how fast the steel tape retracts into its carrying case. I warn them to be sure to drop it when I ask. This instruction is necessary so that they don’t hurt themselves or get blood on my tape measure.

I usually start with their bedrooms. This lets them know they are special. They usually stay with me for one or two rooms before their curiosity is satisfied and they want to find something more interesting to do.

This technique has been helpful for me. It is not something everyone is comfortable doing or wants to do. If you are not at ease with children then do not do this. If you have physical difficulties then don’t do it. It is a way that the children’s natural curiosity can be satisfied and their dignity protected. It is a great way to show them they are of value. Parents are more likely to realize that you are truly interested in assisting them in the sale of their property. It is another way to serve others. Besides, you have enlisted an ally. The children may ask; “When is Mr. Real Estate coming back?” This type of interaction will also have the added benefit of garnering future business. You are more likely to gain referrals for future business when you serve others is in this manner.

Knowing that children exhibit these behaviors, it is easier to accommodate them. Providing them opportunities to practice them with parental supervision.

Jack’s Nugget: Kids are people too. They deserve respect.

Take me back to the Directions page:

Chapter Eight: “Don’t Mix Sparks And Gasoline”

It doesn’t take a lot of intelligent thought to realize that it is a bad idea to see how much gasoline is in a container by holding a lit match to the opening. The results can be quite explosive. (The poor pun was intended.) There are times when we interact with others and the results can be just as explosive and damaging.

You may already have used this advice yourself. Do you recall a time when you thought it would be nice to have two of your friends get to know each other? Do you recall why you didn’t? It was probably because you knew them to be sparks and gasoline should they get together. Their individual friendships were more important than having them meet each other. Preventing the explosive occurrence is easier than trying to “douse the flames.”

Knowing that there are some folks who will not get along, it is advisable to keep them apart. To bring them together would be disastrous. When we are in situations where it is part of our job (e.g., sales, teaching, etc.) to bring people together it is a good idea to keep this in mind. When it is impossible to keep them apart we will have to figure out some way to prevent the inevitable “explosion.” An easy way out is to decline to be of service. That may not be the best course of action when our livelihood depends on it. In business, with friends and sometimes in families, we cannot avoid such situations. It is inevitable and necessary in some situations that we must continue. We may have to resort to “shuttle negotiations.” That is, we will carry messages from one to the other until there is a meeting of the minds.

Most of us realize that it is unwise to be a participant in such situations. It is possible to prevent or minimize such explosive occurrences. Each of us must be vigilant about our own feelings and become aware of when we are headed toward being the sparks to someone else’s gasoline. It is easier to prevent and almost impossible to stop once the emotions get turned on.

In every facet of our lives we can make a difference to the quality of those times by controlling our own emotional responses. It requires that we realize how we are feeling at the time. We should also become aware of how others are feeling. Do we get angry and frustrated because the other person doesn’t agree with us immediately? Do they insist upon clinging to their idiotic ideas? Do these questions tell us more about ourselves then the other person? If we are honest about it we will admit that their “faulty” thinking is more about us than about them.

We may experience a host of feelings that have little to do with the merits of the discussion, but more about how we feel -- rejected or discounted. If we are feeling these emotions, then the other person is probably feeling the same. As we become aware of our feelings and how the other person may be feeling, we can short-circuit the angry outcome. We can change our point of view physically and/or psychologically. When we stand side by side we are facing a common challenge.

It may become necessary to just walk away from the interaction. It can make all the difference. A cooling off period gives all parties to the interaction the opportunity to review their interests and how they might conflict with the other person. We might even be inclined to amend our view. We may have to agree to disagree. Do so agreeably.

Another option we have is to discuss with the other person how we are feeling when we are in their presence. They may not realize how their actions affect others. Bring the feelings into the open. Both parties can grow in a positive direction.

I have given my students “permission” to let me know publicly or privately whenever I have done or said something that has caused them discomfort. With such discussions we will learn more about each other. I cannot change what I do not know is bothersome to others, nor can they. There is no guarantee that either of us will change our behavior, but my guess is that we both will.

Jack’s Nugget: If you want to know how much gas is in the can, use a flashlight.

Take me back to the Directions page:

Chapter Nine: The Mystery of Packing A Trunk

In the first few years of our marriage, my wife and I were packing the car for a vacation. Both of us are college educated, reasonably intelligent individuals, and understand that there is more than one way to pack the trunk.

We were both bringing items from the house. At one point I began to put items in the trunk. My wife would then question the placement of the items. I began to feel that I was being challenged in ways I didn’t like. I adopted my favorite defensive response of passive aggressiveness. I stated that if she could do it better she was welcome to do the job herself. (She remembers it slightly differently. She is the one who “lets” me do the packing. On her part it is not passive aggressive behavior.) I admit that I was feeling quite angry that my skills should be attacked in such a way.

As I thought about the situation more, I realized that we had a control issue that needed resolving. I realized that my response was inappropriate. From that time to this whenever we begin to have a difference of opinion about some task, either one of us may say to the other, “Are we packing a trunk?” With that question we short circuit any negative feelings or arguments that may be building. We substitute a positive and humorous attitude for the negative feelings and proceed to get done whatever we planned. It is an opportunity for each of us to let the other know that they can gladly take the leadership role. Each of us supports the other. It certainly has helped reduce the number of senseless arguments, sulking, pouting or other negative behaviors that get in the way of a great relationship.

The participants in all relationships will eventually face the issue of control. Who is in charge? How do we decide? Why must the other person challenge me?

Who is in charge? That is a natural question whenever two or more people are about to embark on an activity. In most instances someone suggests a course of action and away they go. If the activity is relatively minor there is usually no conflict. However, there are times when it is important to have someone in charge. We usually agree that the person with the most experience and knowledge of the activity should take the lead. Most times this is a reasonable plan. There are times when a less experienced person may have an insight that will make the project proceed much more efficiently and effectively. There must be some agreement on how to adapt to this situation. It must be agreed upon ahead of time.

How do we decide? One of the best ways to reach decisions on who will be in charge is through consensus. In my experience, the person with the most energy about the project will usually have the energy necessary to lead the group to a successful conclusion. Reminding the group about the goal will aid in goal achievement.

Why must the other person challenge me? They may have more knowledge about the project. They may have their own personal issues. This question requires personal soul searching. Whenever we ask this question we may feel inadequate, and we don’t want to admit it. It is easier to attack the other person than face our own “demons.” We must take that step to look at ourselves and discover why we feel inadequate. If it is a matter of training, then get more training.

On the other hand, if it is a matter of self worth, that may be more difficult to set right. The first step to changing is to recognize we have the difficulty. It may require the assistance of a person trained in guiding others through such personal exploration. It is imperative for the relationship to take the steps to broaden our view of the world and our place in it. We can change how we choose to interact with others.

We can follow the concept from neuro-linguistic programming -- whenever we are not satisfied with what is happening to us we need to do something different until we do like what is happening to us. Remember, you earn the way others treat you. Whether it is positive or negative, how we are treated is a direct result of how we present ourselves to others.

Jack’s Nugget: For any given space in time there are an infinite number of ways to stuff things into it. Be flexible.

Take me back to the Directions page:

Chapter Ten: Be A Hero To Your Kid(s)

Being a hero to your children can be the most important and rewarding thing you can do. It doesn’t mean you have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. All you have to do is love them, respect them, and treat them with dignity. Let them know that you value them. If you can mix some humor with this approach it will be an added bonus.

What would you do if your oldest child, a junior in high school, told you she wanted to attend the University of Hawaii and you lived in Kansas? Or your young son asked you to buy him a hamster? Your immediate response might likely be a resounding NO, particularly if you find hamsters repulsive. I would like to suggest you consider saying yes, but expressing whatever reservations you will have.

In the first case you might suggest that she consider that you only have so much money earmarked for her college education. Then have her contact the high school guidance counselor to gather information about likely courses, living arrangements, and the funds required. Make her responsible for making the plan. Listen attentively to her plan. Ask pertinent questions about the things you think of that she has not. Do not make judgments about the plan. If it is possible to execute the plan then do so, if not, then clearly express the reasons. You have another opportunity for meaningful conversation and dialogue. Most of the reasons will become apparent during the discussion. The reasons you give should have more substance than, “Because I’m your parent and I’m bigger than you.” Or, “It’s my money.” Or, “I need you closer to home so I can keep an eye on you.”

In the second instance discuss with him the ground rules--he will be responsible to fund the project from his allowance, take care of the animal, house the animal in his room. You can even make it a part of the bargain that if the hamster does get out of his room the hamster is history. Then lead the youngster through the problem solving process. Help him define the problem, determine those factors that will have a bearing on the problem, develop options to resolve the problem, and establish a way to evaluate the solution. In this case help him determine the costs of owning a hamster. Compare that to the amount of income he has from an allowance. When he has had an opportunity to determine the cost and expense he will discover that he might just have to put off the plan until he can afford it.

One of the most important aspects of this process is listening. That means you must hear what the child is saying and how the child is saying it. In some instances the child might want you to say no because the peer pressure is very strong. It is OK to let the child know that if he/she needs a “bad guy” to keep him/her from doing something “wrong”, you are prepared to do that. You do not have to agree with the chosen course of action of the child, and if it is absolutely life threatening or will cause extensive property damage you have every right to say NO. You still have a responsibility to keep your children safe. However, when the child selects a course of action which has some negative consequences let that be a learning experience. And, you should never say, “I told you so.” Remember how your character was built. You faced some adversity and came out of it stronger than when you went into it. Children need the opportunity to learn from their mistakes, too.

There are several benefits to this approach. You teach your child problem solving, demonstrate how to listen, show that you value your child, and open the door to future conversations. You may even find that in the future the child will probably tell you things that you might not want to hear, but should. Remember that during the process you must remain nonjudgmental.

In the two situations above the young lady earned a Fine Arts degree from the University of Kansas. The young man discovered that he could not afford the hamster. The family eventually settled on a pet bird.

Society gains when we are heroes to our children. They become heroes their own children.

Jack’s nugget: Love your children enough to let then learn from their choices and mistakes.

Take me back to the Directions page:

Chapter Eleven: “Aunt Tillie's Trunk in the Attic”

This may seem like an odd statement. And, on its own, it is. However, it was initially aimed at the folks who are preparing to take the real estate examinations. Most states require training and testing prior to issuing a real estate license to applicants. The state wants to insure that the people who are licensed are competent. The transfer of ownership of real estate is a complex process. Practitioners need to know a vast amount of information about the process.

One of the primary goals in my real estate classes is to teach the participants how to take a multiple-choice test. It is safe to say that most of them were anxious about taking tests the last time they were tested. Whatever their fears were in the past these fears tend to be exaggerated over time.

To help them overcome their fears they are given a method to put the odds in their favor. With a standard multiple-choice test the odds are one in four. With the technique they learn in class the odds are changed to 50-50. Not bad odds. There are six simple steps to follow. For those of you who might have some interest in the technique, here it is.

1. Cover the answers. By covering the answers you do not contaminate your thinking by selecting an answer prior to knowing what is being asked.

2. Read the question – carefully. The greatest problem most people have when reading anything is not taking the time to read the information carefully. This step relies on the test takers understanding of the material being tested.

3. Understand the problem. This is particularly important in testing or when entering into a contract. It is essential that the content be fully understood prior to considering an answer.

4. Determine the answer. Once the problem is read and understood it is much easier to formulate the correct answer to the question.

5. Uncover and find the answer. With the correct answer in mind the multiple choice question has effectively been turned into a true-false question. Each of the possible answers is matched to the correct answer. When the examinee finds the answer that matches the correct one, that answer is marked and the examinee can move on to the next question.

6. Do not linger too long on any one question. There will be questions that the examinee might not understand immediately. Some people are stubborn enough to stay with the question until they figure it out. This approach is time consuming and unnecessary. Subsequent questions will provide clues to the “difficult” question. Here is were we apply the “Aunt Tillie’s trunk in the attic” phrase.

Have you ever written a report, letter, essay or other such document? Do you recall that in the middle of the writing you were suddenly reminded of something as unrelated to the report as “Aunt Tillie’s trunk in the attic”? It happens to all of us. It is the unique way that the human brain works. We can compare the operation of the human brain to the operation of a computer’s memory. Both store bits/bytes of information in random places in the memory. These bits/bytes of information are tied together with an electronic “string”. With the computer, we tap the enter/return key and the entire file appears on the screen as neat and tidy as when we saved it. On the other hand the electronic “string” that the brain uses is not as smooth as the one in the computer. So when we tap the mental enter/return key for the brain out pops “Aunt Tillie’s trunk in the attic.” It was stored in a spot next to some of the data that comprises our report.

Realizing that this is a natural phenomenon allows us to use it to our advantage. When we come across those few questions on the test that are not immediately clear to us, we just move onto the next question and rely on the power of “Aunt Tillie’s trunk in the attic.” One of the subsequent questions will undoubtedly provide us the necessary insights to the questions that were not previously clear.

Understanding the power of the “Aunt Tillie’s trunk in the attic” will aid us in our studies. Underlying our success in testing is the requirement to study the material carefully. There is no substitute for knowledge.

Jack’s Nugget: Understand and use the power of your brain.

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Chapter Twelve: “’Mr. Wonderful’, Please Change”

I am constantly amazed at the letters to advice columnists in the newspaper that go something like this. “I need your advice. I have been with “Mr. Wonderful” for several years. During that time he has yelled at me, beaten me, expected me to support him and his drugs and/or booze, stayed out all night, slept with my best friends, stolen money from my purse, wrecked my car, killed my cat, won’t do anything to keep the place clean, or told me that he is the only one who will want me. And besides that he leaves the lid up all of the time. I really love him. I think once we’re married I can change him. What should I do? Should I marry him? Did I tell you I really love him? Well, I do.” Signed – “Ms. Desperately in Love”. This is a compilation of many letters to advice columnists.

My heart aches for “Ms. Desperately in Love”. She seems oblivious to the idea that she does not have to suffer the abuse that is being heaped upon her. She may have confused his lust for control for love. She is convinced that she doesn’t deserve better. “Ms. Desperately in Love” is willing to put up with the negativity that is heaped upon her by her “beloved.” She believes she has found that special someone, “Mr. Wonderful”, who will stay with her forever. What if he does have a few flaws, she believes she can change him, over time. The one thing that “Ms. Desperately in Love” needs to realize the last time he was changed was prior to his being potty trained. After that any change of behavior is strictly up to him, and not very likely.

“Ms. Desperately in Love” needs to understand that she will not be able to change “Mr. Wonderful”. Only he can or will make the change. “Mr. Wonderful” has developed a method of behavior that he believes has brought him success in life. He hasn’t had to seriously look at himself and how his behavior has an impact on others. There is a good chance that he feels as poorly about himself as “Ms. Desperately in Love” feels about herself. “Mr. Wonderful” covers up his deep-seated feelings of inferiority by acting superior at the expense of everyone else. Others can only affect a temporary change in “Mr. Wonderful”. Lasting change can only come from within. “Mr. Wonderful” will have to learn to love, and respect himself if he is ever going to regard others in the same manner.

“Ms. Desperately in Love” needs to realize that the relationship is what it is, and the outcomes are not totally her responsibility. The “blame” she bears is the one of believing that she can effect lasting change in someone who will continually abuse her. “Ms. Desperately in Love” can best help herself by changing her view of the world and her place in it. She cannot escape her feelings of inadequacy by “escaping” into marriage or parenthood.

Here is a situation where an ounce of prevention is worth a ton of cure. It is also a situation wherein the culture/society shoulders some of the responsibility. Prevention begins at an early age. Children need to be taught to value themselves more. The best way for this to occur is for parents to value them. Parenting requires attention to the needs of the child, not just the material needs, but the well being needs as well. The needs to be recognized as a separate human being who is endeavoring to find a place in the world--a person who has worth.

We, the culture/society, play a big part in this when we promote the fair and equitable treatment of ALL. We can do this by recognizing the worth of all people regardless of their race, color, creed, national origin, gender, or “handicap/disability” differences. To be different is not to be better or worse. It is just to be different.

What can “Ms. Desperately in Love” do to protect herself? She must recognize her own self-worth. Her family and closest friends have to step in and provide her with the moral, physical and legal support at the very first sign of abuse.

Unfortunately there are too many examples of “Mr. Wonderful” taking matters into his own hands and killing or seriously harming the woman with whom he is so "desperately in love". It is his last resort. It is a flawed conclusion.

Jack’s Nugget: Preventing abuse starts with loving yourself.

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